The River's Badge

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Musings

As I think about preparing my Waylon Jennings post, I thought I'd ponder a few things I've noticed lately:


DRIVERS TALKING ON CELL PHONES - DO THEY KNOW THEY'RE DRIVING BADLY?

I'm just curious, because my husband and I always come across one of these idiots on our way home from work. Here's a sampling of the things they do:
    • Weave in and out of lanes - so you don't know if they want to change lanes, or if they're just drifting over, mindlessly.
    • Step on their brakes every 5 seconds. There's no one in front of them; they're not making a turn. There's no godly reason why they're hitting their brakes. They just do.
    • Stop at a green light.
    • Drive 10 miles under the speed limit.
It's a scientific fact that one cannot focus on two things at one time. Try it sometime. If I'm at work, concentrating on something on my computer screen, and someone calls me to ask a question, it's either the computer or the call. Not both. I have to force myself to concentrate on the person on the other end of the line. If not, I'm constantly going, "What? What did you need?" And then I look like a moron. Even more so than usual.

So, either these cell phone imbeciles don't know how stupid they are, or they just don't care. I'm guessing it's the latter.

WHEN TWO MINI-VANS MEET - DO THEY HAVE A SPECIAL HAND SIGNAL OR SECRET HEAD-NOD?

I apologize in advance if you drive a mini-van, but these people are living in a world all their own. I'm not going to cast aspersions on them. Okay, yes I am. If you have ever been behind one of these people, you will notice that they love to drive really s-l-o-w-l-y.

I've often wanted to test-drive a mini-van, just to see if there is some mechanical reason why they can't get up to speed. I'm serious.

I think this phenomenon may be linked to their political affiliation. You know the one I mean. They either, (a) just want everyone to cooperate; or (b) they want to dictate to everyone else in the world what the speed limit should be. Because, much like smoking, if they say something is bad, doggone it, it's got to be outlawed. And that includes driving the speed limit.

CLOTHING SIZES - WHAT THE HELL?

There was a time when (okay, you probably have to be a woman to understand this) a size 5 was really, really small. A size 7 to 9 was medium. A size 11 or 13 was a large.

Okay, those are the rules, right?

Wrong.

I love Old Navy clothes. But whenever I go there to try anything on, I know (now) to choose an Extra Large, which is probably equal to a size 5.

I don't know who wears a minus 7, but I guess there must be people out there who do. Because, apparently, in Old Navy terms, a size 10 is an extra, extra large. And heaven forbid if you wear something larger. Forget it. Go to Lane Bryant.

Who are these skeletors who are wearing these sizes? I mean, c'mon, eat already! A 500-calorie per day diet just isn't going to sustain you. It's going to cause lots of health problems down the road.

And I'm sick of calling 911 every time you pass out. You know, I've got other things to do.

DESIGNER EYEGLASSES - WHO THOUGHT THIS UP?

I went to have an eye exam today. I've been seeing things like this lately. And it's really starting to annoy me.

So, after my exam, I had the "helper lady" show me the various styles. I don't know if she thought I was 23 years old (I doubt it) or what, but everything she had me try on was hideous.

And then she hands me a pair of "cat-eye" glasses to try. I said, "No thanks. I really don't want to go back to the fifties."

These cool, hip designers want to bring everything back, because it's "retro". Well, you know, I guess if you were born in 1978, "retro" might be something to brag to your friends about. But I remember those styles. They were hideous then; they're hideous now.

I don't know why these designers aren't offering polyester mini-dresses. You know, the ones that can never be destroyed. They just live on forever. You can't burn 'em, you obviously can't rip them. Because they're made from some titanium compound that will withstand a nuclear holocaust.

Bring those back. And preferably in lime green. Or orange.

That'd be really cool.



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