Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'm Looking For A Bailout

I just thought I should jump on the bandwagon now, before everybody else does, and I'm left out in the cold.

So, I really need a bailout. And the sooner, the better.

See, I was (barely) keeping my head above water (well, not my whole head, but at least I was still able to breathe without a snorkel).....

....until our duly elected rats.....I mean, representatives, decided to start bailing everybody out, willy nilly. By everybody, I mean companies that like to throw around money like they're celebrating the clock striking 12 on New Year's Eve.

And then the next day, hung over, they hop on a jet for their "spa vacation". Meanwhile, I'm here in the cold and the wind, trudging to work every day, so I can pay for their "team building exercises". Here's a thought: Hold your "team building" in your conference room! And P.S. Team building doesn't work!

Well, I want me some of that!

I've tried watching the news reports to try to wrap my brain around just what the heck is going on, and while I'm not the brightest bulb, I'm not a total moron, either. But I can't grasp it.

They say they want to "loosen up credit". Well, I say, it's already too loose! All this "credit" is what got me into the drowning pool to begin with! But hey! If they want to raise my credit limit on my Visa, so I can charge up some more stuff that I can't afford to pay cash for, I guess I can go along with that. Cuz I'm pretty much maxed out.

(And by "stuff", I mean regular everyday items, like underwear and socks. I'm not out there buying Jaguars, for heaven's sake.)

The reason I'm maxed out is because I've been paying my mortgage every month! What a dope! If only I'd let it slide, the government would've made my life a whole lot simpler!

And I heard that that whole "loosening" isn't even working! They don't want to loosen. They want to keep all our sweat-drenched tax dollars that are being served to them on a silver drink tray, with cocktail napkins and those little plastic fruit skewers with cherries and orange wedges. That's not how the deal was supposed to go!

And now the auto makers have their hands out, too!

Hey, I just heard that Starbucks lost 95% of its value in one year. Let's bail out Starbucks! You know, so those mini van-driving blonde airheads can still stop on their way to soccer camp and pick up their favorite "coffee-like" drinks.

So, I'm raising my hand right now. I'm hopping on the bandwagon. Put me down for one of those "bailouts". You know, just until....or if.... I can get my business back on track. And by my "business", I mean my "life".

What's in it for you, you say? Well, the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that you've helped to prop up our economy. If that's not enough, well, I've got some of that General Foods International Cafe Mocha "coffee" in a tin. I could whip some of that up in the microwave for you.

Or, I could pay you back in free music downloads. They make you feel all warm inside, too, just like a $5.00 venti white chocolate mocha half-caf with soy milk at Starbucks!

The easiest way to "contribute" is with PayPal. I want to make this simple for you, my benevolent benefactors!

And thanks again! I'm off now to my spa (television) to do some team building with the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond".

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