Saturday, November 25, 2023

Sorry Kids, But Most Christmas Songs Reek


I have a rule ~ I only stream Christmas music a couple of days before the holiday, because frankly that's about all I can stand. And I only stream it at all because of...I guess, tradition. When I do, I'm very choosy.

But this morning my husband and I were breakfasting at a local restaurant and (naturally) we were seated just adjacent to the sound system speaker. I found myself growing more and more irritated. Finally I piped up, "Did someone try to curate the worst Christmas playlist ever?" 

There's some kind of itch that pop singers have, in which they need to jazz up a Christmas standard. Just f***in' sing it straight! Ooh, you're great with the glissandos and all, but I'm gonna need a few more mugs of eggnog before I can even tolerate your riffing. Here's the thing: If you (the singer) hate a song so much that you need to turn it unrecognizable, don't record it!

Over our booth, we got to hear some dude scatting White Christmas, then that awful jazz piano thing from the Peanuts Christmas special, then "My Favorite Things", which isn't even a freakin' Christmas song. It's from The Sound of Music! 

And people listen to this drivel starting the day after Halloween! What is with these freaks? At a prior workplace, they piped in music; very bland, inoffensive music. Normally, I would have simply ignored it, but no one was allowed to talk (seriously, it was an infraction), so that stuff came in LOUD and clear. If any country music wafted out of the speaker, it was that pseudo-country that nobody, pop fan nor country fan, could stomach. I heard Steve Wariner's "The Weekend" about 5,268 times. But Christmas season was the worst. Even a "good" holiday song makes a person want to beat her head against the wall after the two thousandth airing. I couldn't even speak up and bitch to my neighbor about how much I hated it.

There was a particular Andy Williams track that, if I ever hear it again, violence will ensue. I don't know the name of it, but it was jazzy to the point of air-sickness. Lots of scatting and be-bopping. Ahhh, Merry Christmas! I actually searched it out on Andy's Christmas album list, just to refresh my memory, but it appears even he was too embarrassed to include it in his repertoire. Of course my office was a gun-free zone, so I couldn't whip out a 45 and shoot that speaker dead.

And that's what we're supposed to listen to for essentially two months? Nope.

There are a couple of rules when it comes to my Christmas playlist:

1. Classics

By that I don't necessarily mean 1940's classics, but definitely Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" and Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock", and Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad".

2. Old Classics

If anyone is going to sing "White Christmas", it had better be Bing Crosby. Nat King Cole had better be warbling "The Christmas Song". 

3. Anne Murray

If you're a good singer, you don't need to change songs. Just sing 'em.

4. Marshmallow World

This is a must, people! I'm serious!

I've got 36 songs on my Spotify Christmas playlist, but that's only because I felt a need to flesh it out. I could honestly eliminate half of them.

So, businesses, if you see me alighting your premises, shove the volume down on your holiday glop. I like Christmas as much as the next guy, but a sane person can only take so much.


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