Showing posts with label difference between dogs and cats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label difference between dogs and cats. Show all posts

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Thing About Dogs....


Well, they're cute.

That's their protection.

Because dogs will do things that try your patience.

Dogs have an agenda. And that agenda is FOOD. Seriously, I believe that's all they think about. You'd think they were little street urchins; starving and waif-like. You would never know that they eat a five-course meal every evening, and they won't even let you finish your bedtime snack, because those sad eyes are pleading with you. "PLEASE! I'M DYING HERE!"

Every day, as I take Josie for an innocent walk around the neighborhood, I have to be hyper-vigilant, because one never knows what kind of tasty (to her) morsel she might come across, and decide to eat....no questions asked.

I've caught her chomping on lord-knows-what, too late, unfortunately, to pry it out of her mouth. And honestly, I don't even want to know what. My theory has become, if it doesn't kill her within 10 seconds, it must not be that bad.

This whole OCD thing about eating has really gotten out of hand. I can't get out of bed on my day off and flip on the computer to read the latest news, without those beseeching eyes telling me that she's just going to DIE! if she doesn't get food...and NOW!

Is her stomach a bottomless pit? I mean, yes, I have my own issues with food, but I can at least go FIVE MINUTES without eating.

I want to say, hey, fix yourself a cup of coffee and light up a smoke. That'll ease your cravings, at least for a little while.

The other thing about dogs is, their incessant insistence on "guarding".

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it just goes to extremes.

You know, I give Josie credit for thinking that she can ward off any dangers; little sixteen-pound doggie that she is. That's real bravado! But I don't necessarily need protection, what with the security system and all.

She's free to relax; take it easy for a bit. Have a nap.

Yes, I am aware that she considers those Big Brown Trucks to be a threat to the neighborhood. But they've actually never done any harm, other than ringing the doorbell, which is akin to Original Sin, in a dog's eyes.

Speaking of which, are you ever innocently watching a sitcom, and someone on the show rings the doorbell? DON'T DO IT, I say! Because this sets off a frenzy in most dogs, culminating in a mad dash down the stairs, frantic barking, which goes on and on; then silence, as she surreptitiously awaits the fool (I pity the fool!) who tries to enter the house uninvited.

Thus, dogs have two main preoccupations: Eating and guarding.

But given the option, they will always choose EATING.

If a burglar ever did find his way into our home, all he'd need is a little doggie treat morsel, and the coast would be clear! She'd be his friend for life, and would most likely help him gather up all the booty and pack it neatly into his trunk for him.

UNLESS, of course, there would be some undetectable SMELL somewhere in the vicinity. This will completely throw her off the task of loading ill-gotten contraband into the burglar's car, while the burglar impatiently taps his foot, waiting for the damn dog to STOP SNIFFING!

Sniffing, you see, is serious business for a dog. While you may think that your dog is just being overly fastidious, there is a higher purpose, one which a mere human cannot fathom.

Sniffing gives a dog the lay of the land, if you will. It tells her who's been around, what they were doing there, and what their business is.

Is this someone I want to get to know better? Well, let me smell them and see.

And I need to smell them for a GOOD LONG TIME. This is all scientific stuff. You don't need to bother yourself with it. I know what I'm doing. This is my job. It's technical.

Dogs have an inner life that you will never understand. Sure, you can group it into categories: Eating, Sniffing, and Guarding. But the minutia of their job is really unfathomable.

Just feel safe that your dog is on the job, ever ready.

Ever ready to sniff something, and, if you're really unlucky, to roll in it as well.








Saturday, August 6, 2011

One Thing About Cats....


One big difference between dogs and cats is:

Did you ever notice that a cat won't get out of the way for you?


How many times have you heard of someone tripping over their dog? It's rare.

Luckily, my cat, Bob, is both black and white, so I can faintly see him in the dark; if I'm wide awake, that is.

Because a cat won't move out of the way. Tonight, as I was making my way downstairs to the kitchen, with the hall light off, I luckily noticed Bob lying at the top of the stairs. Or else I would have taken a nasty tumble.

Cats see no reason to move.

A dog is all, "Yes, Sir! Yes, Ma'am! No problem! Oh, was I in your way? Excuse me! What a faux paw! Got anything to eat??"

A cat is more, "What the hell? I was laying here! Excuse you! Can't a guy get any rest at the top of the stairs? Damn, I worked hard all day; coughing up those hairballs. And then I had to take a nap! And then another nap!"

I just don't think cats have ever been fully domesticated. Or else, they've been domesticated against their will. "Oh, yea? Domesticate me?? We'll see, won't we?"

"Let's get this straight: We do things my way around here. I'm not going to come crawling to you, just because you say, 'kitty kitty kitty'. F the 'kitty kitty' stuff. If I want to come see you, I will. And normally, it will be while you're sleeping. Hey, I keep my own hours. That dog of yours has no self-respect. You say, time for bed, and she's all, 'Okay! Whatever you say! I'll go to sleep now! I guess am tired after all!'"

"Little butt-kisser. While she's snoring away on your pillow, I've got stuff to do. I may curl up in the bathroom sink for awhile. Just because I can. I may investigate whatever you've got hidden away in that kitchen of yours. You know, knock some things off the counter; check them out. Get the snoring dog to jump down from the bed, to see what kind of goodies I've made available for her. Basically, get her in trouble. Ahhh, the good life."

"And is it my fault that you didn't get me de-clawed? So, stop bitching about, Ow! That hurts! When I'm showing you a little love, while you're trying to watch the TV news. I'm rather insulted by that!"

"I do what I do. I'm Bob. B-O-B. 'King Bob', if you will. King of the jungle. The suburban jungle."

"And stop making fun of me, just because I run away whenever that damn doorbell rings. If you can't spot danger, that's your problem! I, at least, have common sense!" That's the kind of thing one learns in the jungle. Or, the kitty farm. Whatever you choose to call it."

"Another thing that really irks me is, if I want to talk to birds, I will! You make out like it's some kind of criminal offense, because I'm sitting on the window ledge, talking to birds. Let's just leave this between the birds and me, shall we? They get it; you don't. Don't concern yourself with things you don't understand."

"In conclusion, my main points of concern are these:

1. The dog.
2. You bitching about me throwing up.
3. Why the dog gets special favors.
4. Why you go to bed so early.
5. Why the dog gets to go outside, and I don't.
6. All the stupid nicknames you have for me, such as 'Al-Shabaab'.
7. Why the dog gets to sleep in your bed.
8. Why the dog gets served first in the morning, while I have to wait.
9. You talking to me when I'm obviously trying to sleep."

A cat is like a grouchy old man. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. Just give him a bowl of food, and leave him be.

Oh sure, I'm not saying cats aren't talented, when they want to be. Take a look at this:


Just don't ever ask them to play piano for you. They'll do it if and when they're damn good and ready.

I think I want to come back as a cat.