My Latest Fake CD!

Gosh, has it really been two years since my band, Holwell/Hertfordshire, released our last album? I guess time flies when you're busy in the studio.

If you don't know the history of Holwell/Hertfordshire, we started our band after my previous band, Governor of West Virginia, broke up. Before that, I was in a band called William Pinkney, but a bunch of us quit that band because William insisted on naming the band after himself. He's really a selfish bastard.

Well, as things happen, I've got another new band. That's really how it goes in the music biz. You basically break up because someone's a bastard, or because of the drummer.

To refresh your memory regarding the creation of your own band and CD, it's really easy!

1. Go to Random Article on Wikipedia (the random article link will be on the left-hand side of the page). The title of the article will be your band name.

2. Click Random Article again. This will be the title of your CD.

3. Click Random Article 12 more times. These will be your track titles.

To create your CD/album cover:

4. Click here. The picture that comes up will be your album cover.

So, here we go!



I wanted to post the picture again, because I'm so proud and excited!

You're probably wondering where the name of our band, Religion In Italy, came from. Well, our bass player, Brad (or "Father Brad", as we teasingly call him), used to be an ordained priest! He never got to have his own parish; he was always just the assistant pastor. Thus, he always had to do the 7:00 a.m. Sunday mass, and he had to man the confessional, because the main priest (I guess you'd call him) said that it was too boring ~ never any GOOD sins to hear. He also had to type up the Sunday bulletin and clean and shine the chalices. And he never got to swing that incense thing during Lenten services, which he really, really wanted to do. So, he finally got bored and quit.

Brad found our ad in (ironically!) the Sunday bulletin, for a bass player, so he applied! We liked him a lot, and we always let him douse the audience with incense during our shows. That makes Brad happy.

So, enough about Brad. Let's move on to the tracks on our CD, "White-eared Solitaire", shall we?

1. Pardis
2. Rocka Rolla
3. Georgia State Route 98
4. Cryptantha Nevadensis
5. 798 Art Zone
6. Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Riga
7. Bochov
8. Cobie Legrange
9. Helichochaetus
10. Terminal Building (Lincoln, Nebraska)
11. Stefanie von Schnurbein
12. Charbaria Lamchari

As you can see, our songs lean heavily on that Latin and Italian romance languages (guess whose idea that was!), plus a light dose of Southern Rock. You wouldn't think it would work, but it really does!

We've provided some links to samples of our music ~ we know you'll love it!

You can find "White-eared Solitaire" in the Southern Gregorian Metal section of your local independent record shop. And on iTunes, of course!

And I would be remiss if I didn't list all the band members:

Lead Guitar: Theodore (The Beav') Kleaver

Bass: Father Brad

Rhythm Guitar: Petrie Rob

Vocals: me! (Sugar Val)

Keyboards: Edie Ameene

Drums: whomever is available

I know I always say THIS BAND (Holwell/Hertfordshire, Governor of West Virginia, William Pinkney) will be the one that gets us to the BIG TIME! But I really think we've hit on something now, with Religion In Italy.

I mean, c'mon! Southern Gregorian Metal is IT! If you miss it, you're just going to be mocked for your naive comments on the Entertainment Weekly website comment section! And those people will hunt you down! (Believe me, I know.)

Do you REALLY want to come off as a rube?? I thought not.

So, be the first on your block to buy "White-eared Solitaire". If you do, that one guy who was in "127 Hours" will come to your house, and Ricky Gervais will be AFRAID to mock you!

Need I say more?

More Fun & Games - Create Your Band AND CD Track Listing!

Remember the game from a previous post, in which you can create your own band, album title, and album cover? Here's mine.

Well, here's a variation. This time you can also add the tracks to your CD!

1. Go to Random Page on Wikipedia. The title of the article will be your band name.

2. Click Random Page again. This will be the title of your CD.

3. Click Random Page 12 more times. These will be your track titles.

And just to create the full package, let's include the CD/album cover as well.

4. Click here, and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.


My band name: Holwell, Hertfordshire

CD Title: Chamizal Dispute

Track Listing:

1. Vyacheslav Starshinov
2. Thermotunnel Cooling
3. Air Charter Service
4. Fasih Bokhari
5. Brian Bixler
6. Grandy
7. Nicky Henderson
8. Tactical Assault Group
9. Jay Parker
10. Andre Morellet
11. (Heparan Sulfate) - Glocosamine N-sulfotransferase
12. Gacaca Court

Yes, "Chamizal Dispute" is now available at all fine retailers, and online at iTunes and Amazon.com.

Funny story about the track listings. Holwell and I (Hertfordshire) were trying to come up with new songs to put on the album. Well, Holwell (I'll just call him "Frank") said, "Hey! How about we write songs about everyone in this world that we hate?"

So, I said, "Say! That opens up a lot of possibilities!" So, we started making a list of everyone that we hate. The first person who came to mind for me was Brian Bixler. Yea, good old Brian Bixler. Back in high school, he thought it was really funny to spread a rumor around that I was a twin who had died at birth. At first, I couldn't understand why everyone in the hallway would recoil from me, and plaster themselves against the lockers, and scream things, like, "Ooooh, you're not real!" Yea, Brian Bixler was a real funny guy. I saw him a couple of years ago, bagging groceries at the local Shop'n'Cart.

Then, of course, there was Jay Parker. Jay Parker was a guy I dated in college.....for a couple of weeks. Jay Parker stole my identity. He ran up a bunch of credit card charges on a Visa that he signed up for in the name of "J. Hertfordshire". I'm still paying my $10.00 a month to Visa, even after lo these 18 years.

Frank, meanwhile, had his own list. He'd gone to a multi-national high school, since his dad was in the service. And he met up, apparently, with a trio of guys named Vyacheslav Starshinov, Fasih Bokhari, and Andre Morellet. They were, according to Frank, some tough dudes.....well, except for Andre. Vyacheslav was the son of a high-ranking KGB officer, and Fasih had descended from a long line of Iranian religious radicals. Andre, I'm told, like to drink merlot and spout French poetry.

These three guys, according to Frank, made his high school days miserable. They'd lock him in the science lab, and Vyacheslav would interrogate him, insisting that Frank was an undercover agent; while Fasih would scream, "Death to Americans!" while beating his chest. Andre would guard the door, sitting on a high-backed wooden chair, wearing his black turtleneck, reading aloud from the works of Francois Villon.

And don't even get me started on Nicky Henderson!

Of course, after we'd gotten done writing up our lists, the next logical song title for us was "Tactical Assault Team".

The other songs on the CD are, to us, love songs. Especially "Thermotunnel Cooling". That's my favorite.

So, there you have it. The story behind "Chamizal Dispute". I hope that this bit of background information will enhance your listening enjoyment.

My Latest Fake CD!

This is a fun little exercise I like to do when I'm bored.

You can create your own band, your own CD title, and your own CD image, using these three simple steps:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.


My band used to be William Pinkney, but we've since broken up, basically because we all finally got sick and tired of William's self-centered attitude. The name William Pinkney is fine if you're a solo artist, but what about the rest of us in the band??

The other thing is, William (of course) decided that our CD should be titled, "Inwards And Examine Ourselves".

Well, that's just stupid!

And to top it off, he chose a picture of some Waldon Pond-ish scene (from his scrapbook, no doubt) to slap on as the cover. Here it is:

And we're a goth metal band! Geez!

Needless to say, our CD sold like crap. And we're still in debt trying to pay off the cost of the manufacturing (which William, of course, decided that we all needed to pitch in and pay for).

So, long story short, the five of us decided to strike out on our own. William, I hear, is now doing open mics at the local Starbucks. Considering that he doesn't even play an instrument, his act isn't going over very well. And, you know, a combination of Shakespeare and heavy metal doesn't really strike the latte-drinking crowd's fancy.

But, hey! Our band is doing great! We're booked for Saturday night at the Knights Of Columbus Hall, so stop by if you get a chance.

We call ourselves Governor of West Virginia.

Oh, here's our new CD, by the way:


EDIT: Hey, I thought I'd come up with something new - the whole Shakespeare metal genre, but I was wrong! Check out Jason's band here! The Metal Shakespeare Company